19th April, 2014
FANDOM: You. Steven Moffat. What have we ever done — hmm? — our whole lives … to deserve you?
GATISS: Technically nothing, but—
FANDOM: Sorry, who are you again?
GATISS: Um. The other showrunner.
FANDOM: Oh, sorry. We’re fixated on Moffat and convinced that it’s entirely his show. What were you saying?
GATISS: Seriously, Fandom. You’re a group of people who have made endless gifsets of scenes that he wrote and tagged them “johnlock.” You all point out, over and over, the super-gay gayness of the big gay pilot that he wrote. The other showrunner is a proud, openly gay man who works with LGBT organizations, has written original characters who can be interpreted as bisexual, and appreciates the queer subtext and “desperately unspoken” love that Holmes has for Watson in The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, and never shuts up about it, really. That’s me, by the way. Hello.
(Steve Thompson apparates into the scene, dressed in rainbow-colored wizard’s robes and wielding a decidedly phallic Staff of Subtext.)
GATISS: Even the third writer exists primarily to get John and Sherlock holding hands and groping each other’s knees.
THOMPSON: It’s Mofftiss’s show. I was just typing. …Heh heh heh.
GATISS: Fandom, you are addicted to the blatantly Johnlocky moments in the show. You’re not-at-all-abnormally attracted to the chemistry between the two main characters which exists as a result of the decisions made by the actors and the director in response to both the script itself and to the conversations involving Steven and myself during pre-production. So is it truly such a stretch to imagine that the person who came up with the Angelo’s and Battersea Power Station scenes and that whole ‘Sherlock rises from the dead and hauls himself up the pink lady staircase to save John’ thing might actually be on the same page as me and Thompson?
FANDOM (its voice full of suppressed tears): But he wasn’t supposed to be like that. Why is he like that?
GATISS: Because I chose him.
GATISS: Seriously, I chose him. This is the person I approached with my plan to create a modern Holmes adaptation using The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes as a template. He and I are working together to bring that vision to life. He wrote a whole episode based on that movie! You know, the one I never shut up about. It’s really great. The love that Holmes has for Watson—
FANDOM: You…you mean Moffat ships it? How could we not see that?
MOFFAT: You did see it. The opening credits of the three Johnlockiest episodes — not including the one we all wrote together, of course, which is mad gay — all include the words “WRITTEN BY STEVEN MOFFAT.”
GATISS: And you kept watching.
MOFFAT: He’s right. It’s what you like. Now, are we done here? I have to go write some episodes of Doctor Who, which is in no way, shape, or form the same kind of project as Sherlock, except that it is also a television show which is on television.
GATISS: Right, off you go. Now, Fandom. Want to watch The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes with me? I’ll point out the parallels to Steven’s ‘A Scandal in Belgravia’!